Help Me
by fallenskywalker
Summary: This is Ahsoka's journey on how depression can rule your life and how it can lead you to do things you wouldn't dare doing without having those voices in your head.


Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or Star Wars the Clone Wars.

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><p><strong>Ahsoka's pov:<strong>

_Hated. Unwanted. Worthless. Failure. Embarrassment._ The voices in my head kept telling me what a failure I was. That I was worthless. That nobody wanted me. I tried to shut them out, to ignore them, but they didn't want to stop. Pressing my hands against my head I tried to stop them. But they just didn't want. I was breathing heavily from all the exhaustion they'd caused me the last days. They hadn't let me sleep, they hadn't let me eat, they hadn't let me get up from my bed, and so I was sitting here wanting the voices to stop so badly.

Eventually that all got too much and I got up. I went to my dresser and opened the first drawer. Putting all the clothes away I found what I was searching for under them. My knife. I grabbed the dark brown knife and sat down on the floor.

_Hated. Unworthy. Unwanted. Failure. Failure. Failure._ I heard the voices again. They were dragging me to do something I'd sworn I'd never do again. But at the moment I didn't care. I just wanted the voices to end for a short amount of time. And so I opened the knife and immediately pressed the blade against my forearm. I hissed quietly in pain as I drew the blade across my arm. Watching how the blood dropped out of me, I was relieved. The voices were gone though I knew they'd come back soon, too soon.

I leaned back against the bed and just starred at my arm. After several moments I decided to get up. I went into the bathroom and let the warm, soothing water clean my arm up. The cuts stung madly as the water first touched them, but it only made me feel better. When it stopped bleeding I examined the cuts. Some weren't as bad as others, there were small and thin ones and others were wide and deep, but they were all angry red.

I sighed and before I could do anything else I heard the door to master Skywalker's and my dorm open. I quickly grabbed a towel and wiped the blood on my bedroom floor away. Hiding the towel in the bathroom I took a sweater out of my dresser and changed into it. The long sleeves would hide my new scars. Crawling under the sheets, I turned the light off, but the door to my room never opened.

_That's how much people like you. You aren't even worth a check on whether your fine or not. He hates you._ The voices in my head were back. _He doesn't want you anymore._ And they were right. _Nobody wants you. Nobody cares about you. Nobody. You're such a failure. You're not worth anything._

I heard another knock on the door and Master Skywalker opened the door. It was Master Kenobi; I could sense his force signature. I laid in my bed and listened to their conversation. "Anakin, why did you want to talk to me?" Master Kenobi asked as he got in. I assumed they sat down on the couch and my Master started talking. "About Ahsoka." Master replied. They didn't say anything for a few moments and then Master Kenobi started again. "What's with her?" he simply asked. 'Great!' I thought. They were going to talk about me and I had no choice than to listen. "What's with her?! Seriously Obi-Wan?! She doesn't listen to me, or anybody. She disobeys my orders and gets many men killed. She only causes trouble. All the men who got killed on our last mission got killed because of her. It's her fault!" he said in such a harsh voice and I started crying.

_Failure. Worthless. It's all your fault. You only cause trouble. All are dead because of you!_ The voices in my head were right. They always were. I was a failure. I didn't deserve to be alive. I should be dead instead of all these clones. I deserved to be dead; they didn't. All they ever wanted was to survive this war and I let them get killed. It was my fault. I was such a failure. Silently sobbing I went on listening to them.

"Anakin, it's not her fault and even if it is, you shouldn't blame her. She's just a Padawan. She's allowed to make mistakes. You should talk to her.", Master Kenobi tried to calm my Master down. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her. She could have just obeyed my orders and she wouldn't be in such trouble. It's her own fault. Why don't have other Masters to deal with her?"

I could hear every single word that came out of my Master's mouth and my already broken heart shattered into a million pieces. I'd never heard him speaking in such disgust before. All I wanted was to end it. To end my life because how do you wake up from a nightmare if you are not even asleep? There's only one answer to this question; death. And I was willing to do so!

I heard the words that came out of Master Kenobi's mouth while I was crying on my bed. "Anakin, remember, you were once my Padawan and you disobeyed me many times." "That's not the same. We weren't fighting in a war. But now we are! And she has to obey me! Honestly, I don't think she can earn my trust again." Masters words echoed through my head.

_I don't think she can earn my trust again. See, nobody likes you. Nobody trusts you. You're a failure. You're unworthy. Nobody wants you. Nobody wants to see you ever again!_ I just grabbed my knife as fast as I could. I wanted the voices to end. I wanted it all to end.

I took the knife to my wrist and cut deeply.

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><p><strong>I have a few ideas for the next part; still I wanna hear your opinion:<strong>

**1 Do you want Ahsoka to die?**

**2 Do you want Anakin to discover her depression?**

**3 Do you want Padme to discover her depression?**

**4 Anything**** else****?**

**-Svenja**


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